Admit it, when you first heard Alexi Lalas use the term Sexy Football to describe what the Los Angeles Galaxy would play like, you laughed out loud. After all, there’s positively nothing sexy about watching Alan Gordon try to control a soccer ball.
What we probably didn’t consider about the statement was that Lalas may have been referring to his internationally recognized defender Abel Xavier. He of the flashy clothes and outrageous hairstyles. It is tough to argue that Xavier just might be the sexiest traffic cone in the history of soccer.
Don’t believe me? Well, check out this week’s installment of You Write the Caption, which features a photo unearthed by my boy SF at The Offside Rules:
"Abel, no referee could ever give a red card to someone looking this fierce."
Okay, you know the routine. Share your own caption suggestions in the comments section below and I will choose the Top 10, including the No. 1 caption, which will earn the author a free t-shirt courtesy of Objectivo Apparel.
Fire away (and please try to keep the captions clean).
I don’t know if I can get the carpet to match the drapes…
Abel Xavier getting ready for his first acting job playing the “Groomed Ape” in
Planet of the Apes: Hollywood Style.
We now go behind the scenes as prepartions conclude for the new Just For Men commercial.
“If Beckham no love me now, he no love me ever.”
This wig is just to small. I need the Valderrama wig.
“David may get the screaming ten year old girls but I got the hair.”
This hair is un-be-weave-able!!!
“Very sexy, but do I have to keep the chinstrap?”
“Sisqo, Rodman and now Xavier have tried it, so should you. I’m Guiseppi Franco and I know nothing about this company.”
Yes, Abel, your hair is equally ugly in the back.
SBI brings you a sneak peek at Abel Xavier’s new look, “Magnum”.
“Is it supposed to look like someone dumped a bowl of spaghetti on my head?”
With Landon and Becks on your team, you’ve got to always be watching your backside.
My hairs’ to sexy for this shirt(LA GALAXY)…
“I said frosted TIPS, this just looks ridiculous”
“Can you do the same thing to my eyebrows?”
“With everyone’s eyes on my hair, no one will notice my feet”
Brigitte Nielsen tells of secret affair with Eazy-E–love child pictured above.
The moment Abel Xavier realizes there might be some adverse side affects from Anabolic steroids.
Chicks dig me, because I rarely wear underwear and when I do it’s usually something unusual. But now I know why I have always lost women to guys like Becks and Landon. I mean, it’s not just the Galaxy uniform. It’s the stories that you tell. So much fun and imagination.
Landon, you are a madman. When you stole that cow, and your friend tried to make it with the cow. I want to party with you, cowboy. If the two of us together, forget it.
Perfect! It looks just like a yellow card. You sure we shouldn’t go red?
Action shot: Galaxy defender Abel Xavier playing hard against Houston on 4/19.
I need more juice, my jerry curl’s going dry back here!
Abel Xavier confirms not all mirrors break in his presence.
I’m Rick James!
Nope; I still doesn’t look gay enough.
Nope; I still don’t look gay enough.
After getting burned early and often this year, Abel Xavier makes sure the back of his head looks good for his opponents as they run by him.
Ladies, please avert your eyes, because I have been known to hypnotize!
“Our reporters were able to get a photo inside the Galaxy locker room.”
No, I want the Valderrama look. Go longer… hair extensions.
“Now I will be the envy of all MLS transvestites.”
This is fierce! No, wait, this is hot mass! No, this is fierce!…
“Trust me Abel, I cut my poodles hair too, there are no dingleberries left back here.”
…this week on ‘Queer Eye for the Completely Incompetent Defender’…
Trust me, Abel, when those attackers spin you around, the back of your head is going to look fierce on HDTV!
I was looking for a Madonna “Like a Virgin” ‘do and you gave me a Hillary Clinton! Fix it!
“See Landon, no bald spot…..”
Napolean Dynamite plays soccer?
Maybe now Beckham will notice me…..
“Make sure the back looks good, that’s what people see on TV while I chase forward’s from behind”
You see Twellman, this is how you get ladies in a hot tub.
Nice work Vanney, but lose the mustache.
The Galaxy continue the search for a replacement for their biggest offseason loss… …Cobi Jones’ hair.
I’ll have the 1998 Justin Timberlake special!
“No, I said curly! It still looks too straight.”
The Beckham Effect: due to David Beckham’s abnormally large wage, other members of the Galaxy are forced to supplement their modest incomes–Abel Xavier, pictured above, recently signed a $53,000-per-year contract as spokesperson for the struggling Cabbage Patch Kids Corp.
“Party in the back…and in the front.”
Inspired by the success of Guissipe Franco and Sy Sterling, Abel Xavier is hired to be the spokesman for Canandian pelt trader / hair loss clinic, Hair Clubbed for Men.
“Giuseppe Franco, eat your heart out!”
Which mop did you rip this off of?
Another brave knight attempts to get Medusa to look into the mirror…
Now that’s posh!
Brains on the outside, not the inside.
Sexual Chocalate! Sexual Chocalate!
Nothing says MLS success like the proper length mullet.
I’m too sexy for the pitch
Too sexy for the pitch
So sexy I i-itch
I’m too sexy for defending
Too sexy for defending..
This ain’t no sexy football
I’m a m-m-moron, you know what I mean?
And I do my little turn as they blow by me.
As they blow by me
As they blow by me, yeah,
I do my little turn as they blow by me.
i vote for Michael’s “If Beckham no love me now, he no love me ever.”
“Can you make this any less aerodynamic? It makes the game seem like its going at a faster pace.”
I’m too sexy for my hair, too sexy for my hair… so sexy it hurts!
Abel, I promise this color won’t show grass stains when you get beaten by a rookie forward and fall on your head.
His ‘nad sack kept hitting me right… here!
This is how the back of your hair will look to the opposing team’s fowards who blow past you on a regular basis.
jevanoo’s takes the cake. sorry fellas.
Now if i can only get someone to bleach it down there……LALAS WHERE ARE YOU!
Wait! I look like I’m the one that is supposed to cutting the hair.
This is an example of a revolutionary hair product called procede ( Results may vary).
Becks better not be lying that blondes have more fun.
Abel: “How do I look?”
Guiseppe Franco: “Slow”
“You call this a perm!! Look at the frays back here”
“Dang rookies keep putting their bubble gum in my hair.”
In response to his embarrassing appearance in SBI’s “You Write the Caption,” Xavier decides to mix things up with a more traditional jheri curl–Abel baffled by its less-than-possitive response
And somehow, Landon Donovan is only the third girliest member of the Galaxy.
“Now at least my hair isn’t as leaky as my defense”
“That’ll show Beckham!”
Thank you for the haircut, sir. You have done an exemplary job. <—Abel Xavier’s defensive abilities are funny enough without a witty caption adding to the comedy of errors.
3. Xavier doing his own flea-check.
2. DP = Discolored Perm
1. The carpet doesn’t match the drapes…
Abel: “Hey Giuseppe, how do I look?”
Giuseppe: “Slow”
“___________________ Beckham, ___________________ Giuseppe Franco/Proceed. And then Abel said, ‘I’m too sexy for __________, too sexy for __________, so sexy it hurts!’”
back in Portugal people used to laugh at my hair, but in los angeles they really get me
i demand to see edward scissors hands he always cuts my hair
Sheepdog is the new black.